I (31F) am married to Jon (34M) we are high school sweethearts and have been married for 6 years. This event is about his brother, Tom (32M) who was in my graduating class so I have known him longer than anyone else in the family.
A little background on Tom, he was the class bully and is still a bit of a bully today. He used to make fun of kids in school who were “different” or maybe had problems with learning and he not much has changed (think typical “man’s man” toxic behavior). We grew up in a pretty small town and Tom married Erika (31F) who was also in our class in school and was kind of mean to people as well. For the record, I was never the target of their abuse. Ultimately, when the three of us graduated, my BIL got into the family business, SIL attended a trade school and I left to join Jon in a large city for college. We have remained in that city ever since.
We return to our hometown to visit our families and did so for a long weekend recently. Tom and Erika have 2 children, Allie (7F) and Matthew (5M). We have one child, Sam (4M). While I still find my BIL difficult to put up with, Erika has grown a lot and is a different person from who she was in high school. The cousins do not see each other often so when we can get them together we try to do so and I really like Erika now.
A few years ago, it became pretty clear that Matthew was not hitting his benchmarks. I expressed my concern to Erika and suggested she seek some professional help so he can receive early intervention. She agreed and my concern really just confirmed hers while my BIL kept making excuses. After many months he was diagnosed with Autism. He has been in therapies for the past few years but is still nonverbal and still in diapers. This has become very distressing to my BIL and he is lashing out at doctors, therapists, and Erika. My take is he knows how mean he was to kids like his son and now he is the parent of a disabled child.
Erika and I were talking and she asked if Jon would talk to Tom about how unproductive his behavior is and see if he would listen to his “big brother.” I asked Jon to speak to him and he agreed. The next day, they were outside and Jon brought it up. Tom immediately stormed off and came inside. Erika asked what was wrong and Tom went off on her. I tried to calm him down and he started in on me and how I would never understand because my child is “healthy.” Then he said he was the one that deserves the “healthy” child since I’m so okay with his son shitting in diapers at 5 years old.
I said “you don’t deserve a healthy child, no one is owed a healthy child.” Well, this must have been the absolute worst thing to say because he kicked my family out and now I can't help but wonder if this comment really made me an AH. My in-laws think he is overreacting, my husband is pissed at him and Erika has been secretly texting me and is really concerned about him.