My brother has been married for 11 years and he has four stepkids. His wife had lost her first husband a couple of years before she met my brother but from what she has said, she stayed with him for the kids and was not happy with him. The kids (all 10 and under when he died) loved their dad. They did not want a new dad as my brother and my SIL both stated the kids were very clear about that when they wanted their blessing to marry and again before the wedding when the kids refused to participate in a family blessing.
The youngest is graduating from high school in May and her school sent out the request for a digital pamphlet they prepare for the graduating class. My SIL put her and my brother down as mom and dad. The youngest put in for a wording change at school and dropped all title for my brother. So it was mom Jane and Mark (not their names but you get the idea). My brother asked her if she didn't think of him as her dad after all this time and she replied that she told him from the very beginning she never wanted another dad. All the others feel the same and outright dislike my brother and SIL for how they tried to push them into forming that family relationship with him.
My brother came venting to me and told me how shocking it was and how he never anticipated he would have raised the kids this long and not be considered a dad to them. He told me it wasn't supposed to be this way, that everyone says the kids warm up eventually and learn to embrace having more parents. I told him I had suggested way back when he was dating his wife that he should consider whether he would be okay with them not changing how they view him. He told me he didn't sign up for this. That kids are supposed to come around when they're loved and cared for and he did everything in his power to give them an amazing life. Then he said his best friend got called dad within two years and the kids never even slipped and called him dad, and they were younger than his best friends stepkids. I pointed out every dynamic and person is different and some hold different feelings/views. He told me he signed up to be a dad. Which is when I told him he signed up to be a stepdad and he needed to accept never graduating to dad because that was his reality.
He told me I was insensitive and it's not true because he signed up to be a parent, that the kids' dad is dead and he was the only father they had for the last 11 years.
I didn't argue back but he told me I owed him an apology and that I should really be more compassionate.
AITA?