Originally posted by u/whatIhavetosay1 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Sep 24, '22, updated Oct 20, '22. I have changed the initials to fake names. OOPs account had since been suspended.
Trigger Warning: >!mental health, suicide attempts, attempted murder.!<
ODD is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and IED is Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
A quick Google search describes them as:
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) includes a frequent and ongoing pattern of anger, irritability, arguing and defiance toward parents and other authority figures.
Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/xn2t41/i_feel_guilty_for_saying_this_but_i_am_relieved/)
I feel guilty for saying this but I am relieved after my kid is institutionalized permanently.
I feel like a bad person saying this but here we go. My therapist also advised me to write here so I can feel more free.
I(46M) have two kids, Adam (20M) and Ben (15M). This is about Ben.
I wish I could word this differently but since age 1, we could sense something was wrong with Ben. He was always angry at something. Some days he would be an angel but most of the times,he was a wrecking ball. At first, us and his pediatrician thought it was trouble twos but it just continued.
If his brother or a kid got his toy or his stuff, he would beat that kid and bite him/her . He was fired from 4 kindergartens at age 5 and we were at the doors of a child psychiatrist at age 5. Our journey started with an ODD diagnosis but after the randomness of constant anger attacks,he was diagnosed with IED at age 7. We thought we would have the answers and he would be treated,we were very wrong at the second part.
Due to him having a fame, we have changed the school district (we live in EU, not in US) but it did not change. He still had tantrums and due to this,he has been in severe depression. It is heartwrenching to see a 8 year old to have depression,they don't have the childish happiness and hope. We have tried everything,we even had private tutors for him so he could be less exposed to the school environment,we even arranged special education and he has been in really supportive schools for mental diseases but it still continued and at age 10, we had the first suicide attempt (he hung himself up with my belt in his brother's room). Then at age 12, he stole his mom's (my wife still) heart medication (she has arrhythmia) and put himself in a comatose state.
The next four years were hell. We had to send our older son to live with his grandparents at a different city and our house was like a mental health unit. We had a caretaker who lived with us fully and we couldn't use any kind of sharp or stab objects in the house. I learned how suicide proof rooms were done because we had to made it built to our house. If he wasn't committing suicide, his anger was directed outside.
At age 14, he wasn't allowed to enter any public building in the town because he tried to beat someone or smashed down a window. He spent more days at a ward than outside. But 3 months ago, he reached to a new level. Until that day, he never tried to murder someone but at that day, he was almost killing (he had to stay in ICU for a month) a 8 year old kid for beeping with his bike while he was riding front of our house. He managed to open the door and he choked the kid until my wife became aware and hit his head with a pan. After that day, a judge ordered him to permanently institutionalized at a mental health center.
I wish I could say I was sad but I feel happy. For the first time in 3 months,I feel nothing but joy and happiness. Me, my wife and Adam had a great week together since ages and we had our long-deserved vacation. I might look cruel but I can't think of anything but relief. I should feel guilty for saying he is governments problem anymore but I don't and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know if I love my son anymore but I feel glad. I am grateful to know he won't be around us anymore. I wish I could feel a little more remorseful but I can't. Maybe this is the thing that makes me remorseful.
[Update 3 weeks later](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/y8u1fs/updatei_feel_guilty_for_saying_this_but_i_am/)
So, I am back again.
Multiple parents with kids whom has IED have written and said they have felt the same guilt but after the permanent care,their life quality have been improved dramatically and I can attest to that.
Since that last post, we have been to his institute twice. In first visit he was sedated and we saw him while he was sleeping Though at second visit he wasn't sedated and he was much calmer. He said he strangled that kid so he would be killed at prison. He said he had read about child murderers would be killed at prison so he thought he would finally be free. He said he still wanted to get out of this world. He said: "I just gave up, maybe I will die here peacefully but I know it shouldn't be at their expense. Please tell the kids family my apologies if you can."
After this, we had a talk with his psychiatrist. She said "It was one of the best insights we have gotten from him and we have an idea but to be honest, be prepared for the idea of permanent residency." My wife shred a lot of tears but me and his brother were relieved. A said : "Some of us are not for this world and due to luck, it is my brother. Maybe he will feel happy here one day."
It is not a good update but writing here, it just helps me feel a bit at ease. My wife is still sad not seeing our kid at house, she is grieving Ben's loss in a way. Maybe in the future he will have a sense of normalcy but neither his brother nor me have our hopes high on that.
**Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.**
AnimexPlay