I am not The OOP, OOP is [Ok_Classroom1548](https://www.reddit.com/u/Ok_Classroom1548?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
My mother-in-law shows her true racist colors
Originally posted to r/JUSTNOMIL
Trigger warning: >!racism, racial slurs!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11ae4sa/my_mother_in_law_shows_her_true_racist_colors/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Feb 24, 2023
My husband and I have been together for 4 years and we just got married in October of 2022. He’s amazing, quite literally the man of my dreams and I have an amazing life with him now. My parents and the rest of my family love him. I’m Native American and have a really big family and he comes to family events, holidays, cookouts, etc and I haven’t heard a single member of my family say they didn’t like him.
My husband’s family is very small. Other than his parents, he has one brother, his wife and their 2 kids. His brother and his family live multiple states away, so we only see them around the holidays and they don’t really have much extended family. So the only members of my husband’s family I really see are his parents. His parents are the stereotypical white conservative small town Christians (my husband is no longer religious). MIL stays at home and tends to the house while FIL works. I was worried about his parent’s beliefs at first as I practice my Native tribe’s spiritual beliefs, I’m very left leaning socially and politically, don’t dress very conventional, and my husband and I have no desire to have children. But they were pretty chill with me when I met them the first time. His dad I have had no problems with, but over time, I have begun having trouble with his mother.
She just flat out doesn’t like me. According to my FIL she has said I’m “not the kind of woman that needs to be with her son.” Her reasoning is because I don’t “act like a woman”, I won’t be a housewife, and I have a “man’s job.” I’m a flight paramedic for a service that airlifts critically unstable patients. I love my job and I love being a paramedic. My husband has never expressed that he wants me to be a housewife or take up a stereotypically “feminine” job. If he did we wouldn’t be together. But apparently that’s what his mother thinks he needs.
When I first met his parents we had been dating for about 5 months. MIL said at first that I didn’t look like the kind of woman my husband would bring home. I didn’t take it to heart, I figured she didn’t mean it in a harsh way. When they asked what I did for work I told them I was a flight medic. FIL said that was awesome while MIL just kinda frowned and didn’t say anything. Whatever. She was pretty cordial in the beginning, but as my husband and I got more and more serious, she began to not like me more.
It started out with snide comments. She would manage to sneak into conversations the fact that she thinks women should be homemakers, or have jobs like teacher or caretaker. When started working 48 hour shifts, she asked who was going to take care of the house work. My husband told her he would while I was gone those 2 days. She got upset and said it wasn’t fair that I made her son do it all by himself while I left. My husband told her that we split household chores evenly and that it was fine.
One day we were over and she went off on this rant about how she missed when women acted like women and men acted like men. She started talking about how women needed to start being housewives and mothers again while the men worked and provided. While she never directly said it, I knew she included me in that. FIL told her to calm down and that this wasn’t the time for that kind of discussion and she got mad and said “well it’s just the truth” and looked in my direction. I’m not an idiot, I knew this rant was just a way for her to tell me how she felt without directly telling me.
My husband was pretty angry when we left and I can’t say I was too pleased. I told him she was allowed to have her opinion no matter how stupid it was and I wasn’t going to lose sleep over the fact that she seems to still be living in the 1950s. He said he was angry about the blatant disrespect. He talked to her about and said she wouldn’t do it again. So I managed to let that situation roll off my shoulders.
Everything came to a head with her a few weeks ago. FIL invited us over for dinner so we went. My cousin is getting married in a few months and my husband mentioned that we were going to the wedding. It will be a traditional wedding in accordance to our tribe’s customs. FIL said that was cool and MIL asked if there was going to be alcohol there. I didn’t really see how that was an issue so I said yes. She responded with “Son, you don’t need to be around all that drinking.” My husband said it was fine and that it wouldn’t be a problem. She said “no you don’t need to go it’s not safe if there’s going to be alcohol there.” I said “Why wouldn’t it be safe? It’s not like we’re going to be at a bar. It’s just gonna be my family.” She then said “well some people can get violent when they drink.” I knew exactly what “some people” meant and that this was a racist remark. I told her that no one would be getting violent and that everyone would have a designated driver.
My husband then said that we were going and there wasn’t going to be any negotiation about it because he was a grown man and could make decisions for himself. That just made her more upset and she started going off about how it wasn’t a good idea for him to be around a bunch of drunk people. After FIL told her to calm my husband asked why it mattered so much to her anyway because it’s not like we were forcing her to go with us. She then said “I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be around a bunch of drunk Indians.”
I was in shock. I knew this is what she meant but I didn’t think she had the balls to flat out say it. “You can’t be serious,” I said. She preceded to tell me, “I am serious. I know how you people are and I don’t want me son around it.” My husband began to lose it and started yelling at her. I honestly didn’t have a response to that, I was just dumbfounded, as was my FIL. My husband told her he would not stand for her blatant disrespect and hatefulness any longer and was not going allow her to be racist towards me. She then said “I can’t believe you’re seriously choosing this red skinned bitch over your own mother. I gave birth to you!”
I told her to go fuck herself and left out the front door, with my husband following me. She came running out the door after him begging him not to leave. He then told her “No, fuck you, you’re dead to me and I never want to hear from or see you again.” He was shaking with anger when he got in the car and told me he was done with her and her bullshit and that we wouldn’t be going back over there.
Ever since then she has been blowing up our phones saying she’s sorry and begging to reconcile. I don’t what to do. My husband is angry and upset that his mother is like this. Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with a situation like this.
ADDITIONAL COMMENT FROM OOP
Hello everyone. First off I just want to thank you all for your kind words and advice, it means a lot to me. I didn’t think this would get as much attention as quickly as it did. My husband and I have not had contact with MIL since this happened. We did however set up a group video chat with my husband and I, his brother, and FIL. I’m at work right now so I can’t make a full update at the moment but long story short we discussed everything and FIL and husband’s brother are on our side. I posted this to see if there was anything else we could possibly do or if we were in the wrong for not wanting contact with her anymore. But I know see that our decision was probably the most reasonable. I’ll go into more details and post a follow up when I get off work. Thank you all ❤️
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11b9fug/update_my_mother_in_law_shows_her_true_racist/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Feb 25, 2023
Hello again. This is a follow up/update to my post about my MIL being racist and calling me a slur. There is a little more to my story that I couldn’t fit into the original post.
The reason I didn’t have much of an adverse reaction to her words is because sadly these are things I’ve heard my whole life. I’m not white passing and you can take one look at me and tell I’m native. I think what my MIL said shocked so many people is because many think explicit racism like that is a thing of the past when it is still very much alive in the minds of some.
After the incident took place my husband and I went home and MIL tried to call and text both of us to beg for forgiveness and told us she’s sorry and wants to make up. I blocked her and my husband told her to leave him alone until he and I worked through this. My husband also told his brother about this and he was horrified as well.
My FIL also contacted us and said he was sorry for what had happened. He said he didn’t know she had thoughts like this and in the moment he was so shocked with what she said that he didn’t know what to say or do. He asked if it would be possible for my husband and I to speak with just him to see what he could do going forward. We agreed.
We ended up having a video call between me, my husband, FIL, and my husband’s brother (who I’ll just call BIL going forward). BIL said that there wasn’t much he could do because he is several states away but he would be supporting us in whatever decision we made and that he would be sending a strongly worded message to MIL. FIL was very emotional about the situation and said he didn’t want to lose his son over what MIL said and that he would do anything to keep contact with my husband. He was so upset and confused as to why she thought the way she did and why it was all coming out now. I said that she may have always felt this way, but because they live and have always lived in pretty white communities, I was the first person she knew to take it out on. Everyone agreed to that.
FIL said he wanted to suggest she go to therapy or some sort of counseling to work out these feelings within herself and that he planned to tell her that she had a choice: either seek help to change her narrow view of the world or lose both her son and him. He said that I make my husband happy and as his father there is nothing more he could ever want. We all agreed that some counseling would definitely be beneficial to her if she was willing to go.
My husband said he does not want to talk to MIL right now and that he didn’t know when or if he would be able to. He said that if he had anything to say to her or if there was an emergency, he would go through FIL to get to her. In the meantime he will be blocking her number. I said I just didn’t want any contact at all and we all left it at that.
I also told my parents and some elders in my community and they were upset too because this is stuff they have heard as well. But they commended my husband for having my back and said they understood my decision to go no contact.
And that’s the situation right now. I want to thank everyone that left kind words/advice on the original post. I made it to see if we had maybe done something wrong or if the decision to go no contact was a bad one, but I now see that it is probably the best option. While this situation and what was said upset me, the kind words on my first reminds me that there is still good in this world. And if anyone else is going through a situation similar I’ll tell you what my dad told me: “You can never force people to be kind to you, but you can make the choice to surround yourself with kind people.”
Thank you all ❤️
I am not The OOP
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