*I am not OOP. OOP is* u/nervousaccomplice74 *and he posted on r/AmItheAsshole.*
Mood spoiler: >!happy ending!<.
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r14m99/aita_for_setting_boundaries_with_my_stepson/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) november 24th 2021
Forgive me for any mistakes, I’m a long time lurker who made an account specifically to ask about this issue.
I (47m) have a stepson (16m) who for the purposes of this post, we’ll call “T”. I’ve been married to my wife (48F) for two years and have two daughters (7F & 9F) with my ex.
Since the day T moved into my house he has been nothing but disrespectful. I understand that change, especially change this drastic (moving, getting new siblings/ a new parent) is hard for a kid but some of the stuff he does just crosses a line. For example, I transferred him to a really great private high school when he moved in because I wanted him to have the best opportunities. He always complains that he doesn’t like his new classmates, that the school is too far away (it’s 15 minutes further than his old school, which is practically nothing) and that he doesn’t like the environment. He doesn’t understand that later he will thank me for this, I would have killed for an opportunity like this at his age!
Additionally, he always breaks rules we have set in place. I have asked him to surrender his phone to the living room at 9pm to have some family time but he says he wants to talk to his old friends. He constantly claims not to like the food his mother or I make even when he hasn’t tried it. His mother and I try to have a date night once or twice a week and he always claims he is too busy to watch his step sisters. We have asked him repeatedly for the passwords to his social media accounts and he refuses to hand them over… etc.
I’m sick of the disrespect in my own house, so I set some boundaries. Either he starts treating me with respect and listening to me, or he can find somewhere else to live. Obviously I wouldn’t really kick him out, but I’m hoping this scares some sense into him. My wife, however, said I took it too far and need to apologize and tell him I wasn’t serious. I feel like this will undermine my authority though. AITA?
Edit: I just want to clarify a few things because they seem to be causing confusion in the comments. He did not change schools when he was sixteen. We had him change when he was 14, when he moved in to my house, so about halfway through his first year of high school. Also, he did know about the change, we talked to him about it beforehand. He wasn’t excited but he did know that he would be changing schools.
First Update(on the same post)
Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to comment, and thank you further to the people who have offered helpful advice. I didn’t come here to be vindicated, I came to find out if I was doing everything I could for my stepson and clearly I am not. I am going to try to fix what I have done wrong, i’ll offer him the option to switch back schools (although I understand that it might be too late) and I will drastically ease up on the restrictions that we have been set in place. Furthermore, I am going to sit down and apologize, I want him to know he is cared for and that I was wrong.
[Second Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r14m99/aita_for_setting_boundaries_with_my_stepson/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) February 28th 2023
A little bit more than a year ago, I asked for advice on how to deal with my stepson. I was ripped to shreds in the comments, and deservedly so. For those who haven’t read the post: I didn’t feel like my stepson was respecting my authority after I imposed overly strict rules upon him.
I’ve had a few people ask for an update, but first, I wanted to clear up one thing. Many people assumed that I took an under privileged kid and put him in a school full of rich kids. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Before we married, he and his mother were very well off. We both have really well paying jobs, the only reason he was in a public school was because the schools in our area are really great. The only reason he was switched to the private school is because it is a STEM school and I thought that would be beneficial to him.
Now on to the update. After reading the comments telling me how horrible of a stepfather I was, I felt sick. This may seem unbelievable but I was genuinely trying to do right by him and I was beside myself realizing that I did more harm than good. My stepson never knew his father, and I jumped at the chance to have that special father/son bond with him. I eased up on many of the restrictions I placed, he no longer has to surrender his phone and while we still do have family time, it’s about once a week instead of every night. He no longer has a bedtime and while his mom follows him on his socials (I do not) I no longer demand this passwords to anything. The only time I have asked him to babysit is in the case of an emergency but surprisingly, now that I’ve stopped, he’s been offering to babysit every once in a while.
As for the school issue, he is still at the school we switched him too. We had many long talks about this very issue and he ultimately decided to finish out his high school career at the school because, while he missed his friends, he was able to recognize that this new school offered him the best opportunity to get into the college he really wants to attend.
Since all of this, the relationship between my stepson and myself has drastically improved. For his 17th birthday we offered to get him a car and he and I had a really nice time picking out the right one. I’ve taken him to a few basketball games which he loves (and I’ve enjoyed learning about the sport from him). He actually got a girlfriend and came to me for advice about dating which is not something that would have happened before.
I will say this, I am blessed with an incredibly smart, kind and compassionate stepson; Other kids may not have been so forgiving, and rightfully so. I urge other stepparents out there to really listen to their stepchildren instead of automatically trying to take over, you may not be as lucky as I was.
AnimexPlay